A Special Investigation Into the Dallas Mayor’s Pants

The purpose of this post is to draw attention to the need for everyone to get a flu shot. This is really about public health. So if you’re tempted to criticize me for writing about something frivolous and doing so in a snarky manner, maybe first ask yourself why you want people to die. I’m here to save lives.

That said, what is going on with the mayor’s pants?

Earlier today, he went to CVS for his flu shot and tweeted some pics from the event. Excellent. Good show. Again, flu shots. We all need to get them. This is shaping up to be the worst flu season in a decade. Do what you can. Et cetera.

But Mayor Eric Johnson’s pants are crazy, and I’m worried that there is a tailor somewhere in Dallas who needs to have his tailor’s license revoked before he does serious harm.

Here’s what I’m talking about: zoom in to the lower pants region of the group photo that the mayor posted of himself with some CVS staffers.

Thing is, he’s wearing stunt sneakers. Those lively Vans were clearly chosen with the aim of bringing eyes to the mayor’s feet. Did the mayor himself pick out those sneakers? Or was it Tristan Hallman, his personal valet? That much is not clear, as D Magazine has not made multiple calls to the mayor’s office, and none of those calls have been returned. Because, again, they were never made.

But here’s what we do know with certainty: any eyes on the mayor’s sneakers immediately register what lies above those sneakers. Namely, it is enough fabric to cover a potted hydrangea when there’s a freeze warning. There is so much extra pant there it looks like his legs have partially retracted. It looks like he gets his pants tailored at the CVS where he gets his flu shots. I know the mayor has only two jobs: the mayor job and his bond lawyer job at Locke Lord. But surely he can afford at least one properly tailored pair of pants on days when he knows he’s headed to CVS for his flu shot that he’ll post pictures of on Twitter to show off his daisy Vans.

Details, man. Let’s get those pants hemmed. Then let’s tear down I-345.